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Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of InsanityUse SHIFT+ENTER to open the menu (new window).

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4.
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5.
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6.
In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7.
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8
. Don't use any punctuation

9.
As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is"To Go."

12.
Sing Along At The Opera.

13.
Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14.
Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16.
Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18.
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19.
Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.


         Its Called
therapy


11/2/2007 10:41 AM
TaxesUse SHIFT+ENTER to open the menu (new window).
At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it. 
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
 
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
 
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
 
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
 
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
 
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
 
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
 
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
 
Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
 
Put these words
upon his tomb,
" Taxes drove me to my doom..."
 
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
 
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
Income Tax
Unemployment Tax
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone Provincial and Local tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
 
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell "politicians!"
And.... I still have to "press 1" for English.
I hope this goes around Canada at least 100 times! 
 
 
11/2/2007 10:40 AM
Summary of Life's Great TruthsUse SHIFT+ENTER to open the menu (new window).
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
 
 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
 
 
 GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
 
 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
 
 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you  once got from a roller coaster.
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers To ask you the questions.
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 
 
 THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
 
 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3) You are Santa Claus.
 4) You look like Santa Claus.
 
 
 SUCCESS:
 
 At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
 At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
 At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
 At age 35 success is . . having money
 At age 50 success is . . . having money.
 At age 70 success is . ... . having a drivers license.
 At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
 At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
 
11/2/2007 10:33 AM
George's Resume....Use SHIFT+ENTER to open the menu (new window).

 
GEORGE W.
Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
 

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
 

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
 

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
 
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
 
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
 
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced LosAngeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
 
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of *over one billion dollars per week*.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the US. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
One of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
During the Iraq War and Occupation thousands of American troops were injured and killed. I did not have the time to attend any of the funerals for our fallen soldiers but I did have the time to attend more than 43 fund-raising events of the Republican party
 
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
10/17/2007 9:53 AM
ModelUse SHIFT+ENTER to open the menu (new window).
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city centerstudio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris."We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for  yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
10/17/2007 9:41 AM
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